How to calm ‘hard conversation’ nerves 😣

Hi Everyone,

When we give difficult feedback face to face, we soften it as we speak. The message that was sharp in our head comes out gentle, and the other person often hears no criticism at all.

Today we're sharing a way to stop that before it starts: a five-line memo you write to yourself before the conversation. Nobody else ever reads it, and it takes about ten minutes to prepare.

The five-line memo

Open a note on your phone or grab a piece of paper. Write one sentence for each line.

1. What happened: Describe one specific event, using only what you saw or heard. For example: "In Tuesday's client call, you interrupted Maya three times."

Then check your sentence for judgment words like "unprofessional" or "careless" and replace them with facts. Judgment words turn feedback conversations into arguments because the other person can dispute your opinion (but not what happened).

2. What it costs: Write down the effect on the work, the team, or the client. "The client went quiet, and we didn't get through the agenda." This begins to transform your feedback from a complaint into a problem you can solve together.

3. What you're feeling: Be honest with yourself here. "I'm annoyed, and I'm worried it will show." Nobody will hear this line, but it may be the most useful one.

Studies at UCLA found that putting a feeling into words calms the brain's threat response. Naming the annoyance on paper makes it less likely to come out in your tone.

4. What you want: Write the one outcome you're asking for. "I want you to let the client finish before responding." If you're struggling to keep it to one sentence, you probably want several things at once. Pick the one that matters most and save the rest for another conversation.

In February, we also covered choosing between coaching, resetting, or replacing. Which of the three is this conversation?

5. Your opening sentence, word for word: This is the only line you'll say exactly as written. "I want to talk about Tuesday's client call, because I noticed something that's getting in your way."

Say it out loud before the meeting. A written first sentence stops you from easing in with small talk and burying the message.

Why this works

Feedback softens as we deliver it. Ayelet Fishbach, a professor at the University of Chicago, runs an exercise where half her students give the other half negative feedback.

The students giving the feedback knew exactly what the problem was. But they softened it so much while speaking that the people on the receiving end heard no criticism at all — most came away believing their work was good.

Writing the memo prevents this. You've already written the message in plain words, so you'll notice in the room the moment you start to soften it.

Won't I sound robotic?

No, because the only line you've scripted is your first sentence, and everything after it is a normal conversation. The robotic feeling comes from preparing too much rather than too little.

You can plan every word you want to say, but you can't plan what the other person will say back, and their answers will take the conversation in directions your preparation doesn't cover.

That's fine, because the memo's job is done once the conversation has started clearly.

Not every piece of feedback needs a memo. Quick praise and small corrections work best said in the moment. Save the memo for the conversation you keep postponing.

Go deeper

👉 Lara Hogan: The Feedback Equation — a free worksheet from one of tech's best-known leadership coaches; use it to draft your next piece of feedback before you give it.

👉 Center for Creative Leadership: The SBI Feedback Model — read this if lines one and two are hard to write; it gives you ready-made wording for describing behavior without judgment.

👉 Crucial Learning: Start with Heart — we recommend this when you're not sure what you want from the conversation; two questions that make line four much easier.

👉 Gallup: How Fast Feedback Fuels Performance — read this if you need convincing the conversation is worth having; the numbers on feedback and engagement are hard to ignore.

Coming up tomorrow

Tomorrow, we'll walk you through the metric that would have exposed WeWork's collapse three years before it happened, and how you can use it within your company.

See you tomorrow!

P.S. Clear feedback is a kindness. Delaying it rarely makes the conversation easier for either of you.